


All This Nothing

by orphan_account



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, Matchmaking, Off-screen Relationship(s), Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 05:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5956207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"'The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.' -You’ve Got Mail, 1998'" -Adam Birkholtz, at the Zimmermann-Bittle wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All This Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DarkWaterFalls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkWaterFalls/gifts).



> I was HELLA HYPE for this prompt because it's for [clareithromycin](http://clareithromycin.tumblr.com/) who's been really consistently sweet and supportive about my writing! i loved every request you had, but this is the one i settled on because it sort of plotted itself honestly! i hope you like it!
> 
> Sooooo many thank yous to [zimmerbittle](http://zimmerbittle.tumblr.com) who's just. The best. Honestly top notch betaing and really awesome not-yelling-at-me-even-though-i-deserved-it-for-procrastinating skills. They complete me, full homo.
> 
> final s/o to the organizers of the valentine's exchange. soooo much work goes into putting events like this together, and they make everyone in the fandom so happy. you're all angels without wings

## Wednesday

**Shitty 5:45PM**

hey bits. u got plans this weekend?

**Me 5:45PM**

No

**Shitty 5:45PM**

sick. u, me. the providence falconers from a club box fri. u in?

**Me 5:47PM**

“No” meaning “no I don’t want to do whatever you’re asking me to do”

**Shitty 5:48PM**

U WOUND ME. i am shattered.

no but rly

lards says u haven’t even been to a samwell game this year yet. the fuck brah

**Me 5:52PM**

There have only been three home games! I’ve been busy! It’s not like I have to be at every game anymore.

**Shitty 5:54PM**

every last one of them wants u at every game. u went to games last year!

**Me 5:55PM**

I lived in the haus. my options were go to the games or stay home alone until everyone else came back to get wasted.

**Shitty 5:58PM**

so what now that u and dex are exile roomies u don’t think u have to support the family anymore?

horseshit bittle

straight horseshit

sorry. gay horseshit.

**Me 6:03PM**

If I come with you to Providence this weekend will you leave me alone?

**Shitty 6:04PM**

nah but i’ll be nicer abt it

**Me 6:06PM**

>_>

**Shitty 6:06PM**

ooooorrrrr both our hectic schedules of procrastination notwithstanding, i’ll just come over anyway. i’m sure one of the guys will let me crash with them if i tell them why i need to stay until u agree to come watch a fuckin hockey game w me

ur pick

**Me 6:09PM**

Will I need an overnight bag?

**Shitty 6:10PM**

probs not, but get rans or holster to liquor you up before i get there. pregaming = mandatory

***

**Me 7:21PM**

Why does Shitty have club box tix for the falconers?

**Lardo 7:21PM**

no fuckin clue.

ur going tho, right?

**Me 7:24PM**

I don’t think I have a choice…..

**Lardo 7:24PM**

ofc you do bits. u can come get drunk with me and tell me why i haven’t seen you since before winter break

**Me 7:25PM**

I have plans that night, sorry!!!!

 

 

## Friday pt. 1

**Mean Girls of SMH**

**Me 10:29AM**

Holster…… why?

**AB 10:30AM**

why what bro?

**Me 10:31AM**

WHY did you change the name of the group chat.

**AB 10:31AM**

rude. you don’t know that was me.

**WP 10:31AM**

yes we do.

**DN 10:32AM**

seconded. unfortunately.

**AB 10:34AM**

just because i’m the most cultured asshole here doesn’t mean i did it

but to whoever DID do it

i commend your pithy acknowledgement of our clique status

and also that we’re hotter than everyone else.

**DN 10:37AM**

truth.

**JO 10:40AM**

smirnoff ice for bits and nurse, natty for me, holtzy and dex, o’douls for chow. missing anything?

**Me 10:41AM**

Lardo’ll want something hard if there’s not already something in the haus.

**JO 10:42AM**

good call. too early in the semester for tequila?

**Me 10:42AM**

Nope!

**AB 10:42AM**

never

**DN 10:45AM**

ollie & wicky gonna be there?

**CC 10:46AM**

oh no!!!!!

**JO 10:47AM**

UNFORTUNATELY ollie LIVES HERE so we can’t keep him out, but he’s sharing chowder’s zero proof.

**Me 10:48AM**

??

**AB 10:48AM**

o’meara and wicks will be present and will probably attempt to interact. this cannot be helped. my apologies.

**WP 10:50AM**

what?

**CC 10:51AM**

ollie isn’t really the best roommate

not that he isn’t great!

he’s a great player!!!!!

well, he’s good!!!

he’s better than last year! definitely not bad anymore

but bitty was just REALLY fun to live with!

we’re just still getting used to how different it is

the box spring squeaks a lot :(((((

**AB 10:57AM**

^^DIDN’T KNOW THAT UNTIL THIS YEAR. johnson’s girlfriend was long distance, and bitty’s a shower shlong shucker. bless you bits.

**Me 10:58AM**

YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NEVER BRING THAT UP AGAIN

**AB 10:59AM**

I AM HONORING YOU DUDE.

**WP 11:01AM**

and wicks?

**JO 11:02AM**

dude looks like he’s pushing forty

**DN 11:03AM**

yeah? we know?

**AB 11:04AM**

less tolerable without his aesthetically appealing other half.

**CC 11:05AM**

he says swawesome SO MUCH!!!! and every time it reminds me of the time my mom asked me if i wanted to netflix and chill with her this summer!!!! :(((((

**Me 11:06AM**

I will be over tonight. Please try not to push anyone in front of a bus until then.

**DN 11:07AM**

it’s p obvious you’re cady in this analogy bitty

**AB 11:08AM**

yeah, bits. everyone knows you’re just a less hot version of me.

**JO 11:09AM**

FIRST of all, bitty is definitely hotter than you, holtzy. stop living a lie and move on.

SECOND, NO WAY are you regina george. you’re the one whose dad invented poptarts.

**AB 11:11AM**

you have brought shame on our entire team

I WILL CONCEDE THAT TO CERTAIN TASTES, BITTY MIGHT BE MORE APPEALING. HE’S CUTE. I CAN ACCEPT THAT.

BUT I AM OBVIOUSLY REGINA GEORGE

AND YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY GRETCHEN WIENERS

WHOSE FATHER, THE INVENTOR OF TOASTER STRUDEL, DESERVES A BETTER KID THAN THIS

**WP 11:12AM**

does this make chowder the one whose boobs are psychic?

**Me 11:13AM**

9_9

This has taken a turn

**DN 11:13AM**

can i be the lesbian?

***

**Me 4:50PM**

Where’s Lardo?

**Ransom 4:52PM**

her room. senior project’s got her scary stressed out.

come in the kitchen and watch me kick dex’s ass at beer pong.

***

**Me 5:11PM**

Hey, have you seen Lardo around?

**Ollie 5:11PM**

y r u texting me? im right here bits

**Me 5:12PM**

Your mouth is busy. Lardo?

**Ollie 5:13PM**

think she’s still wokring. fuckin tiedying all our jockeys fr her thesis maybe? scares me, tbh

**Me 5:14PM**

Tie-dying your jockeys?

**Ollie 5:14PM**

not mine tho. started doin my own laundry fr hockey shit so she cant turn my jnk into a dead show. pain in the ass but she has a key 2 faber so i can’t leave em there.

**Me 5:15PM**

Okay. Have fun, Ollie.

***

**Me 5:39PM**

Choooowder, can I use your bathroom please?? I don’t think I wanna see what those boys have done to my old one.

**Chowder 5:40PM**

um! not a great idea? lardo is sort of… expanding? into space. but i think the bathroom is just hers now.

***

**Me 5:51PM**

Lardo is hiding in her room, why?

**Holster 5:54PM**

building a car? fuck if i know. lots of metal. definitely saw her with a blowtorch last week.

***

**Me 6:05PM**

LARISSA DUAN. COME DOWN HERE AND BE MY FRIEND FOR FIVE MINUTES UNTIL SHITTY COMES AND MAKES ME WATCH HOCKEY

**Lardo 6:07PM**

u like hockey

**Me 6:07PM**

But I LOVE you!!!

**Lardo 6:08PM**

awww, bitty. i didn’t know you felt that way.

but srsly. i’m wearing a bandana and my fingers are gray

**Me 6:09PM**

That sounds beautiful!!! I’m wearing half a vodka cooler!!!

**Lardo 6:10PM**

lol urs or nursey’s

**Me 6:11PM**

My drink but nursey’s fault. Shitty just pulled up. by the way. u3u

**Lardo 6:12PM**

be down in a second

asshole

 

 

## Friday pt. 2

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Haven’t talked hockey in too long. @ProvidenceFalcs here I come!

*******

**Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

There’s no good way to watch an NHL game except from a club box. Look out for my GoFundMe page.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Shitty: “My dad bought me a fucking Jaguar when I graduated Andover.” …..Shitty drives a Subaru…..

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

“Sold it and bought season tix in the box. Got the subes with the leftover.”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

“Spite is a beautiful thing, Bits”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

I don’t know much about cars, but five years of season tickets for the price of a car seems fishy.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Me: “Why the falcs and not the bruins?”  
Shits: “because FUCK the BRUINS”  
Usher: “DAMN straight!”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Maybe I’m bitter, but half of these people cheering for #1 were probably booing him his first NHL game.

*******

**Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Amazing what three hatties in your first two years & leading the league in points for the next three will do.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Shitty: “Jack Zimmermann is a fuckin’ legend. He’s a work of art. Look at that, he’s a machine, Bits, LOOK.”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

GOAL PROVIDENCE! 1-0! Dediev scores, Zimmermann with the assist!

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Shits: “Jack’s just so fuckin’ pure. He lives with mental illness and thrives ‘cause he’s the goddamn BEST”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

(remind me not to check #zimmermann unless I need a burst of superhuman hulk strength).

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

No goals in the second period, I’m much more sober. Shitty is crying? But they’re happy tears.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

“Dekes. His stickwork was never that good in the Q, Bits. DEKES. AND SPINORAMA. What a beaut.”

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

I know I’m not talking much about them, but there are a bunch of great guys on the falcs!

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Shitty is more than a little in love with JZ, though. It’s hard not to get caught up with him!

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

(okay, AND it’s hard not to get caught up LOOKING at Jack Zimmermann, but I’m only human!)

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

BEAUTIFUL save by Tartar for Providence! Goalies > pie. (✿◡‿◡)

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

I might have spoken rashly. 1-1.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

ROUGHING!!!!! DO NOT TOUCH HIM!!!!

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Apparently I turn into my mother when a pest grabs JZ by the collar. #TheMoreYouKnow

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Jack is on the ground.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Scrum? Scrum.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Jack is up unassisted, swapped for Cartier.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

:(

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Are you ever having a great time only for it to come to a screeching halt?

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Leaving the game early to get ice cream. #Priorities y’all.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

(Still 1-1 with 3 minutes left in the period. There should’ve been more time on the clock after that hit >:( )

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

Student discounts are great. Buy one/get one student night at the arena is a blessing.

***

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease · Feb 12

RT @ProvidenceFalcs Zimmermann takes back the lead! 2-1!

 

## Interlude

**Me 9:54AM**

I think I left my wellie card in your car :(

**Shitty 2:21PM**

just checked and no dice. u sure u put it back after the ice cream?

**Me 2:59PM**

No :(((

**Shitty 3:03PM**

sorry bits.

i can count on one hand how many times i’ve seen jack go down like that.

**Me 3:05PM**

He went up first. That was the scary part.

**Shitty 3:06PM**

flashbacks?

**Me 3:06PM**

I felt it when he landed.

**Shitty 3:08PM**

this won’t do much for your psyche, but jack’s totally fine. no concussive symptoms or any of that shit. they wouldn’t have let him back on the ice if he had any last night, but docs said he looks good today.

**Me 3:09PM**

Where did you see that?

**Shitty 3:10PM**

the club box gossip tree is a trip, bits.

**Me 3:12PM**

Would you tell me if you were doing something illegal to buy your tickets every year?

**Shitty 3:14PM**

fair question. i’m not, but i also wouldn’t if i did, so i guess ur fucked brah.

let's just say i know a guy

**Me 3:19PM**

...who should I talk to about a new id card?

**SUN 1:32PM**

**Eric Bittle**

“Baxter Knight” has added you on facebook?????????!?!?!?!?!? It can’t be your dad because under your about it says you’re a cisgender man. FESS UP!

**Baxter Knight**

Sorry, I didn’t know how else to get in touch with you. I found your student id at the Falcs stadium. I don’t have a facebook account, so I logged onto my friend’s. He went to Samwell, so I thought you might already be friends. Sorry again. -Jack

**Eric Bittle**

I am so sorry!! I know your friend, we just don’t really call him Baxter here. I didn’t know he had a real name.

And thank you so much for finding my id! If you wouldn’t mind holding onto it until this weekend, I can see about getting a bus down to Providence.

**Baxter Knight**

The account was my idea. I thought it would help him network.

It was harder convincing him to use his legal name than it was to make the thing in the first place. I think he said “it’s a fucking symbol. all lawyers are shitty, and i’m such a good lawyer it’s in my name.” -Jack

**Eric Bittle**

0_0

People who know Shitty off the ice don’t call him by his real name either?

**Baxter Knight**

I don’t think people at school call him Shitty, but we actually did meet through hockey. I’m not sure. -Jack

Do you have a P.O. Box? I could just mail your card to you and save you the trip. -Jack

**Eric Bittle**

You already did me a favor, I don’t want you to pay for the stamps on top of it all!

**Baxter Knight**

So you think the best solution is to pay the bus fare for an hour trip to save me a few dollars? -Jack

**Eric Bittle**

You make it sound ridiculous.

I also wanna buy you coffee to say thanks!

**Baxter Knight**

It’s a good idea, but I’m going out of town this weekend. I’m sure you don’t want to go two weeks without your card. You probably need it to get into R-rated movies. -Jack

**Eric Bittle**

You’re a riot, Jack.

You don’t have to keep signing every message. I don’t tend to forget people who get in chirps that good.

**Baxter Knight**

You’re really on the hockey team up there?

**Eric Bittle**

I was. Not anymore.

**Baxter Knight**

Oh

It’s not because you’re gay, is it?

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to be a dick, I just saw something on your page about it

But there’s the [You Can Play Project](http://youcanplayproject.org/), and the Oilers started using [Pride Tape](https://twitter.com/PrideTape) on their sticks at practice. I heard a few other guys in the league supported the [kickstarter](https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/252024940/pride-tape-hockey-tape-to-support-young-lgbtq-play), so they’ll get their tape too, once rewards go out.

Fuck, I’m sorry.

I’m gay, too

I’m not trying to be so

I’ll mail your card tomorrow.

**4:32PM**

**Eric Bittle**

No, no!

It wasn’t anything like that. I came out freshman year to most of the team, and it was fine.

I played in high school on a co-ed team and never really learned how to take a check so

Halfway through sophomore fall they pulled me

**Baxter Knight**

No one helped you?

**Eric Bittle**

I was bad. The caps tried, but I always folded like a soufflé.

**Baxter Knight**

Coaches?

**Eric Bittle**

The assistant coach made sure I found my way to the bench when I fainted.

**Baxter Knight**

Jesus

**Eric Bittle**

it’s fine now.

**Baxter Knight**

That’s not fine.

## Monday pt. 1

**MON 5:12AM**

**Baxter Knight**

Shitty says I come off as an asshole without meaning to. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so intense, I just hate that you had to stop playing.

If you just give me an address, I’ll send your card down. It’s really no trouble.

**8:56AM**

**Eric Bittle**

You didn’t have to apologize. It was a rough time for me. I was on an athletic scholarship. :/

And right after the coaches let me go, two of the frogs got kicked off.

Frogs are what we call freshmen, sorry

**Baxter Knight**

Shits told me about that when it happened. Did they really get into a fight during a game?

**Eric Bittle**

>_<

Dropped their gloves and everything.

Qpac scored while the refs were trying to figure out what in the hell to do with the d pair beating on each other. Chowder probably would’ve cried if they didn’t disallow it.

**Baxter Knight**

What the hell happened?

**Eric Bittle**

I’m not sure?

Nursey says Dex said something homophobic, but Dex is my roommate now.

He’s a little good ol’ boy republican sometimes, but I don’t think he would’ve. He’s a good guy.

**Baxter Knight**

What does Dex say?

**Eric Bittle**

Just that Nursey doesn’t know what he’s talking about. :(

**Baxter Knight**

It sounds like there’s a lot going on there.

Do you still talk to Nursey?

**Eric Bittle**

I still talk to everyone mostly. They’re family.

**Baxter Knight**

Good teams are like that.

**Eric Bittle**

Hahaha, well I don’t know about “good.” Once Rans and Holster graduate, Chowder’ll probably be carrying Samwell through the season. That boy is a gift.

**Baxter Knight**

Not every winning team is a good team. Good teams take care of each other.

**Eric Bittle**

Gotta get to class ttyl

**Baxter Knight**

Ttyl?

**10:13AM**

_You set Baxter’s nickname to Jack_

**Jack**

How did you do that?

**Eric Bittle**

...

ttyl

Means talk to you later….

Did you not know that?

**Jack**

No. Is that like lol?

**Eric Bittle**

UM.

WELL.

Oh lord.

I don’t know how to answer that question.

**Jack**

You said you had class, eh?

Pay attention.

**Eric Bittle**

Bless your heart, you’re Canadian, too!

I should’ve known from all the “I’m sorry”s

How on earth did Shitty get his hands on you??

**Jack**

With a lot of persistence.

**Eric Bittle**

That’s probably true.

**Jack**

You should be listening to your lecture.

And after class you can tell me how you changed my name in the chat.

***

**Me 12:32PM**

Hey Baxter! How’s your Monday treating you?

**Shitty 12:33PM**

WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU

HOW DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT

WAS IT LARDO

SHE WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO KNOW BUT SHE WAS MY EMERGENCY CONTACT WHEN I FELL OFF THE READING ROOM LAST MAY

I TOLD THEM NOT TO FUCKING TELL HER BUT THEY RATTED ME OUT BITS

WHAT THE FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE TOLD YOU

IS THERE NO HONOR AMONG BROS

**Me 12:37PM**

It wasn’t Lardo. Your friend Jack spilled the beans.

**Shitty 12:39PM**

jack???? how the fuck did jack tell u????

when were you talking to jack?????

WHAT the FUCK?????

**Me 12:41PM**

He found my wellie card and used your facebook to let me know.

Your profile picture is great, by the way!

I didn’t know you met Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie!

**Shitty 12:42PM**

sooooo….. u know my darkest secret now….. fine.

did “jack” spill any other beans?

**Me 12:43PM**

Why? Does he know more Shitty trivia?

**Shitty 12:44PM**

you jack and lards are my ride or die crew bits. now that u know about baxter i’m naked before you

**Me 12:46PM**

You’re usually naked.

**Shitty 12:46PM**

emotionally naked. SPIRITUALLY naked.

**Me 12:48PM**

Awwww, Shitty. <3

**Shitty 12:49PM**

as fate would have it, i was going to introduce u two friday night after the game

**Me 12:53PM**

I guess I ruined that plan :(

**Shitty 12:54PM**

don’t u fuckin dare kid. jack had to back out, too.

but u guys have some opposites attract type shit going on and i was gonna hook that up

**Me 12:55PM**

SHITTY

WERE YOU TRYING TO SET ME UP FOR SCREW?

**Shitty 12:57PM**

nooooononono. fuck that noise. u don’t set people up for screw if u think they’d really have a shot

i mean i’m not a fuckin love guru or whatever but he’s a good guy

and even if u don’t like him, he’s my brother so u have to be friends

**Me 1:02PM**

...okay.

***

**4:12PM**

_Jack set your nickname to Bitty_

**Bitty**

You figured it out ^-^

**Jack**

I had help.

Shits sent me this:

“drive the fuck up to samwell and take bitty out for coffee u emotionally tentative gentle giant”

I could do that, if you wanted.

**Bitty**

Shitty is ridiculous.

You have a car?

**Jack**

I do.

**Bitty**

I wouldn’t turn you away if you made the trip.

That would be rude

But if you think you’re paying for coffee, you’ve got another thing coming, mister.

**Jack**

Has anyone ever accused you of having a Napoleonic complex?

**Bitty**

I had to google that.

No.

No they haven’t.

>_>

**Jack**

Five foot seven was about average height in the nineteenth century.

**Bitty**

When Shitty called you a giant...

?

**Jack**

I’m 6’1”

**Bitty**

That is an awful lot of height.

Don’t get me wrong

Ransom and Holster are both taller than you, and I learned to live with the neck cramps, but still.

**Jack**

Don’t worry. I squat a lot.

 

 

## Monday pt. 2

**Mean Girls of SMH**

**Me 8:46PM**

URGENT!!!!!

What do I wear on a blind date?

**AB 8:47PM**

YOU DO NOT

YOU DON’T GO ON A BLIND DATE

**JO 8:47PM**

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS DUDE ISN’T A MURDERER BITS?

**Me 8:48PM**

He isn’t a murderer. What do I wear?

**AB 8:49PM**

who set you up on a date? that job belongs exclusively to me and justin

**CC 8:51PM**

maybe a nice pair of jeans? have fun bitty!!!!

**AB 8:52PM**

I am OUTRAGED

**JO 8:52PM**

did he tell you he isn’t a murderer? because that’s a suuuuupes murdery thing to say

i don’t trust it

one of us has to come with

**DN 8:53PM**

where are u going?

**Me 8:54PM**

NOWHERE. Never mind! Forget I asked!

**WP 8:55PM**

bitty won’t come out of the bathroom. can you guys leave him alone until after i pee?

**AB 8:57PM**

BITS LET DEX PISS SO WE CAN PROTECT U FROM THE CRAIGSLIST KILLER

**JO 8:58PM**

OH MY GOD BITTY

TELL ME YOU DIDN’T FIND THIS DUDE ON CRAIG’S LIST

SCREW IS IN A FEW WEEKS JUST GIVE ME AND HOLTZY SOME TIME

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR

**DN 9:00PM**

bits isn’t on okc or grindr. could be a tinder hookup tho.

**CC 9:01PM**

bitty, farmer has a lot of friends at the lgbt center if you’re trying to meet people!!!!

i don’t think craigslist is a good idea ://// sorry :(

**DN 9:02PM**

i haven’t logged into grindr since fall sem last year ha

i’ve been in class with at least half these guys

yo, i might actually hit up this guy

**AB 9:04PM**

I already picked out your screw date, Nursey.

**DN 9:06PM**

it’s w/e. he just deleted his profile anyway.

**JO 9:07PM**

probably because he was trying to CATFISH YOU THE WAY HE’S CATFISHING BITTY BRO

**Me 9:10PM**

…

I’m muting this conversation. Talk to y’all later.

**JO 9:11PM**

USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM!

***

**Me 9:10PM**

Blind date tomorrow afternoon. What should I wear?

**Lardo 9:20PM**

is this why r and h won’t stop screaming?

**Me 9:23PM**

Um. Sorry?

**Lardo 9:29PM**

indoors or outdoors?

**Me 9:30PM**

Inside probably, but I’m not sure.

We’re getting coffee.

**Lardo 9:42PM**

you owe me a chai latte for listening to the caps freak out for the last hour

**Me 9:42PM**

Of course.

**Lardo 9:44PM**

your dark jeans with the cuff at the bottom, brown oxfords, long sleeved baseball tee, that preppy af peacoat and the scarf i made u last year.

**Me 9:45PM**

GENIUS!!!!! <3 <3

Chowder said I should wear a nice pair of jeans, too

**Lardo 9:50PM**

even a broken clock is right twice a day

**Me 10:01PM**

Sorry! One more question! I forgot to ask on friday, but why are you using the team’s jockstraps for your thesis?

**Lardo 10:08PM**

whaaaat?

**Me 10:09PM**

It’s just so gross? I know it’s probably symbolic and artistic and beautiful, but they’re jocks, Lardo!

**Lardo 10:11PM**

i am not using jockstraps for my thesis project… why would you eveeeeerrrrr think i would?

**Me 10:12PM**

Ollie said that’s what you told him.

**Lardo 10:15PM**

oooh.

let me tell u a story abt ollie

once upon a time ollie brought a girl over and had loud, squeaky sex with her.

the next morning he left for practice while she was still asleep and i had to try to fucking

talk to her about feelings i guess?

**Me 10:18PM**

Oh no.

**Lardo 10:19PM**

anyway, that happened like three or four times last sem, so maaaaybe i told him i was gonna send his jocks on a long strange trip if he didn’t start hiding them. IF i did, he probably deserved it.

**Me 10:25PM**

Fair enough.

**Lardo 10:30PM**

go to sleep, little one

***

**9:00PM**

**Bitty**

So I just thought of something

**Jack**

Don’t make any sudden movements.

You’ll feel normal again in a few seconds.

**Bitty**

>_<;

**Jack**

What is that?

**Bitty**

That’s a face

It’s

Oh, never mind.

How am I going to recognize you tomorrow?

**Jack**

Oh.

**Bitty**

I mean, you’ve seen my pictures and everything, so you’ll be able to find me.

But I can’t help you at all.

How am I gonna know who you are?

**Jack**

I’ll wear a Falcs shirsey

**Bitty**

Very funny. And I’m sure it’ll have the number one right on the front?

**Jack**

Why? Is number one any good?

**Bitty**

Honey

You already called them the Falcs.

You found my student id in the stadium, I know you know a thing or two about hockey, and you’re Canadian.

You cannot pretend now you’re not a fan, Jack.

**Jack**

Fine, fine. Zimmermann’s pretty decent, though. Why not wear his number?

**Bitty**

Decent?????

The only thing more beautiful than that boy’s slapshot is his ass, tyvm

**Jack**

That was poetic.

You spend a lot of time looking at Jack Zimmermann’s ass?

**Bitty**

Less than I spend looking at his face, at least.

His parents did good work on him.

**Jack**

Yeah, I guess.

**Bitty**

What, are you more into the Kent Parson look?

**Jack**

I do have a thing for blonds.

**Bitty**

(///^-^;///)

**Jack**

I’m sorry. Was that too much?

**Bitty**

No, no. I think that was plenty.

 

## Tuesday pt. 1

**Me 11:45AM**

How much do I have to tip you to keep this between us?

**Nursey 11:46AM**

the location of your super secret date? that you wouldn’t tell anyone about but decided to have at Annies? where i’m a shift manager?

chill, bitty, bribery is beneath me. and you made that chocolate mousse thing on sunday for my birthday.

but

**Me 11:48AM**

What do you want?

**Nursey 11:52AM**

ask dex why he deleted his grindr

and tell him i’m sorry

not if he’s gonna be weird about it tho

make all the faces u want. i can’t leave the register if there’s no one else behind the counter.

**Me 11:57AM**

We are talking about this!!!!

**Nursey 11:58AM**

yo.

***

**TUE 11:53AM**

**Jack**

I just parked in the visitors’ lot. Annie’s, right?

**Bitty**

Yessir! You’re sure you know how to get here?

**Jack**

I can ask directions if I need to, but I’ve visited Shitty a few times.

**Bitty**

I’m here when you find it! :)

**11:58AM**

**Bitty**

When I asked how I would recognize you, you coulda said “you’ve seen me on ESPN three or four nights a week for the past five years.”

Also???? Who wears THEIR OWN shirsey out in public??? It’s like you were TRYING to get mobbed the second you walked through the door, honestly!!!

You look very nice, though. :)

***

**Nursey 12:00PM**

u have nothing i want badly enough to bribe me with

**Me 12:01PM**

I didn’t know his last name! I promise!!! If he ever finishes signing autographs, I’ll ask him if he wants to meet my friends!

**Nursey 12:03PM**

get him to sign something for c too

**Me 12:04PM**

Absolutely!

**Nursey 12:05PM**

i can probably close up for like ten mins.

damn i’m gonna have to break that autograph circle up aren’t i?

**Me 12:06PM**

I would, but…

**Nursey 12:07PM**

nah i gotchu. just remember: talk to dex, autograph for chow, and tap that ass.

**Me 12:08PM**

That was NOT part of the agreement!!

**Nursey 12:08PM**

;)

***

**Me 11:59PM**

BAXTER KNIGHT

I HATE YOU

WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS

**Shitty 12:14PM**

tell jz i said hey

**Me 12:15PM**

He won’t stop saying sorry!

He’s so cute!! @-@

Shitty I’m going to cry how do I make it stop?

**Shitty 12:16PM**

it doesn’t stop

**Me 12:17PM**

!!!!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!

**Shitty 12:18PM**

“I don’t know, man. Bitty keeps grinning and staring at his phone. Is that good?”

get it together bits!!!!!!

“I wish we’d met on Friday.”

**Me 12:22PM**

!!!!!

**Shitty 12:23PM**

STOP TEXTING ME. YOU’RE ON A DATE WITH MY BEST FRIEND DICKWEED

 

 

## Tuesday pt. 2

**Mean Girls of SMH**

**Me 1:45PM**

Do you guys mind if I bring my date over?

**JO 1:47PM**

Bits if you DON’T bring him over, we’re gonna have problems.

**AB 1:50PM**

lards is actually like. awake and present. she wants to meet him, too.

**WP 1:53PM**

wow. isn’t it a little early to bring him to meet the family, Bitty?

**Me 1:54PM**

He’s a special case. Is Chowder home?

**CC 2:00PM**

nursey just dragged me back from the library?! but i’m here now! can’t wait!!

**Me 2:03PM**

We’re outside

**CC 2:04PM**

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**DN 2:05PM**

nice

**JO 2:06PM**

ERIC RICHARD BITTLE, YOU’RE LIVING MY HIGH SCHOOL FANTASY AND YOU’RE NOT CANADIAN ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE IT

**WP 2:08PM**

Where’s lardo?

**AB 2:09PM**

my shoulders, shelkjage

this is ur manager speaking. i needed holtzy’s shoulders.

jz doesn’t drink so i’m gonna thrash him and bitty at chicken instead.

turn the fuck up boys

**JO 2:10PM**

yoooooo, bits spreading his legs on the first date?

**DN 2:11PM**

like you wouldn’t for jack zimmermann

**WP 2:13PM**

not a fair comparison. anyone would for jack zimmermann.

**DN 2:14PM**

yeah? even u?

**CC 2:15PM**

if you guys are going to fight, can you not do it in the group chat??

**Me 2:21PM**

Please stop asking Jack about his butt. It’s rude.

**AB 2:22PM**

It’s PERFECT BITTY

**Me 2:24PM**

I know, but you’re making him uncomfortable.

**JO 2:31PM**

you should ask him about his butt, bits

ask him if you can touch it.

do it for us. the good of the team. for CANADA.

he’d love it dude

**Me 2:33PM**

You’re not wrong. -Jack

Snuck out when y’all went looking for Dex and Nursey. Drink water!! <3

***

**Jack 7:49PM**

I’m home.

**Me 7:50PM**

Thanks for letting me know! I had a really good time! :)

**Jack 7:53PM**

So did I. I’m sorry I couldn’t come back to your apartment for pie. Shitty says you’re an amazing baker.

**Me 7:55PM**

There’ll be pie next time! I know you had to head out. Five o’clock practice is hell.

It’s probably better you didn’t come up. Dex and Nursey were on the couch when I got home.

Their clothes weren’t. ;-;

**Jack 7:59PM**

Can’t fault them for having better initiative than I did.

**Bitty 8:01PM**

And what does that mean, Mr. Zimmermann?

**Jack 8:03PM**

It was great meeting the team, but in hindsight, I would’ve loved to see your apartment.

Not your clothes.

**Bitty 8:04PM**

Oh!! That’s something I’m sure we can work out.

**Jack 8:05PM**

I’ll just have to drive up again in a day or two.

We forgot something pretty important this time, I think it might be better not to wait.

**Bitty 8:09PM**

Oh? What did we forget? ;)

**Jack 8:10PM**

You never took back your id.


End file.
